One Life
by SuperSpecialAwesomePie
Summary: it takes a life time to get someone to love you but you can kill that in less then a minute. Life is easy to wreck and Rabi knows it...first hand. Fluff, angst,Lavi/Kanda. song fic with the song One Life by the Pillows


_(you all know i dont own DGM )_

_If the blue poppy's petals are swaying without any wind_

Kanda leaned back agents his door as he locked it with a flick of his wrist, the loosely knitted wool of his sleeve catching on the lock switch. This day would make it to the top five worst days he could remember, though it wouldn't be the worst, he knew that.

He couldn't remember what happened on his mission. Not a moment after he stepped off the train in Berlin till when he woke up in the Order's brightly lit hospital.

The doctors had told him that the Order was unable to contact him after he was two days late back from his mission to simply retrieve some innocence. After a fifth day of no word from him, they sent out Linali and a few finders to retrieve him. He'd been found not too far from town, lying unconscious in a ditch, covered in dried blood but with no internal or external wounds, though that was very likely because of his inhumanly fast healing.

The doctors at the Order had been keeping a close eye on him for the past two days until he woke up, just an hour or so ago he had forced his way out of the hospital, as soon as his dizziness faded, with much pushing and yelling at nurses.

He couldn't stand places like that. Doctors were sick people, cutting you up and stitching you back together like a doll, putting what they said was medicine into your body when you yourself hadn't the slightest clue if it was really what they said…though maybe he was just paranoid.

Kanda pressed slightly shaky hands to the solid wood door as he tried to brace himself before he gave in and started to slide down to the floor. He could tell, though the doctors couldn't, that he had gotten a good blow to the head on his mission. He guessed from the strange burning on the back of his head, whatever hit him had at least cracked his skull, though it was healed by now. He could feel the same strange, almost painful, tingling feeling in his left arm as well. He guessed it had been broken at one point. His chest ached, in more ways than one. Maybe a knife through the chest as well…he chanced a glance with nervous eyes over at the hourglass on one of the three pieces of furniture in his room. He expected another petal to be missing from the pure white lotus resting in the hour glass but as he looked he saw not one but _two_ had fallen. There was a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Two more steps closer.

He guessed a Noah had done this to him, in which case it would be a good idea to leave it alone and forget about all this. Going after a Noah, as he had found out, wasn't a thing to do unless it was the only choice.

Kanda still watched the hourglass, waiting to see if a third would fall, though praying it wouldn't. A petal shifted, his heart skipped a beat, but the petal stayed in place with its eight others, only, this one drooped its head, looking back at the fallen.

Kanda turned his head away, looking to the stone walls. He tried not to let everything get to him but so many things had happened in the span of just over an hour. It was hard, but he knew there would be harder things he had to face in the near future so he pressed everything back as he always had before, and got up. He decided he needed a bath.

_It's all thanks to my sigh. I don't know for sure, but it's gotta be._

Rabi stared at his soup, resting his chin on the wooden table he sat at. Just twenty minutes before he had been starving and complaining about it, but now he felt if he ate anything he'd be sick. He poked at the soup a little with his spoon, hoping it would make him hungry but it only made him feel worse. He put down the spoon with a clink and got up from the table. He made his way out of the dining hall and into one of the Order's many hallways. He didn't bother to see what doors he was passing like he did most of the time as he was still having a little trouble memorizing every door in every hallway as Bookman had told him to do, though he didn't get why. He only vaguely noticed when he pushed a door open and walked out onto the grounds surrounding the Order.

It was already getting dark, though it was only half past six. The air seemed thick, making it hard for Rabi to breath, but he didn't mind.

He kept walking, not really having a place he wanted to be, but not minding so long as he wasn't indoors anymore. He needed some air, even if it was hard to breath in.

He glanced up into the sky and caught site of the moon. It was full tonight, like he knew it would be. He had memorized the phases of the moon for the next three years. He looked to the west, seeing the sinking sun that turned the clouds red and pink. Then his single green eye was back to the moon.

He was happy he found something to take his mind away and chuckled at how easily amused he could be.

The moon turned the clouds a silvery blue as it slowly, very slowly, rose into the sky as the sun was fading from view.

Rabi sat down, dangerously dangling his booted feet off the cliff the Order tower was built on. "You guys are opposites, aren't you?" Rabi said aloud, "One freezing cold, dark," Rabi fell on his back to look at the sun behind him, though not straight at it directly of course. He needed the last eye he had. "And one burning hot, and bright." He rolled on his stomach and propped his head on his hands as he watched the sun go down. He was able to keep his mind on it for barely five minutes. Then his mind was back to twenty minutes ago.

He couldn't get the scene out of his head, no matter how hard he tried to forget.

As he'd pulled Kanda out of the dining hall, he'd smiled at him. Not a full blown smile, Rabi would have taken Kanda right back to the hospital if he'd done that, but just a little quark of the corner of his soft lips as Rabi took Kanda's hand in his to pull them into a desired hallway. And as he'd told him what he had to do…

Rabi let his face fall into the grass. He had to be lower than dirt now. "…I should just let myself slide off the edge, huh?" Rabi asked as he rolled onto his back to let the weight of his boots pull his legs further off the cliff.

_Wrapped up in the darkness of every day,_

About an hour later Rabi sat in silence doing his records in his and Bookman's room. Silence wasn't odd for when they were doing their logs, but the quiet was different this time. It seemed thick and heavy and made Rabi apprehensive. He knew exactly why the air seemed like this. It was because he was angry. Angry at Bookman. So much so, he told himself he wasn't going to talk to the man for at least a week, if he was lucky.

While Kanda was on his mission Bookman had somehow, Rabi didn't know how, found out about them. And, as he had told Rabi he'd do if anything like that ever happened, he forced them apart. Rabi was given the 'choice' to pick ether Kanda or his job, but that wasn't much of a choice. He _had_ to pick his job. He wanted to pick Kanda. What he would have given if he had been able to choose Kanda. …but Bookman gave him a reason.

Rabi hoped, prayed, it wouldn't be as hard as he thought to leave Kanda, his beautiful Kanda. Kanda that he'd worked so hard to get... It was far harder. He hadn't expected Kanda to act as he did. He expected him to get angry, hit him, kick him, yell at him, but…the look in his eyes, for a split second…it looked as if he would cry. Rabi couldn't even imagine what Kanda would look like with tears running down his pale cheeks and he was glad of that.

He had tried to let Kanda down gently but he wasn't sure if that's what happened. Kanda had practically _ran _away after Rabi told him they had to be broken apart, and Rabi thought, though he prayed he imagined it, he heard Kanda say ' I knew you'd do this' as he turned away after that split second of letting his guard down.

Rabi hoped he felt worse then Kanda did now.

_Chained by my freedom_

Kanda couldn't sleep and it pissed him off. He was a fool! A fool for letting someone get a hold of his heart like that, a fool for thinking it could last, and a fool for letting his heart be broken so badly so easily. If he hadn't let Rabi in in the first place none of this would have happened. If he could go back and change things….he wouldn't. It may hurt now, but knowing he could be loved, even if for a mere seven months, was more than enough, though he didn't want to admit it. What he would go back and change was getting his foolish hopes up, thinking Rabi would…could stay with him…forever.

He hit himself for thinking that last word.

Rabi had told Kanda that he was chained to the laws of Bookman. He could bend the rules, and then bend some more, but at some point he'd break them and once that happened he couldn't hide the broken pieces and would be punished. He'd never said what the punishing was exactly, but Kanda had a feeling, a sickening feeling, about what it was.

When they were younger, and Rabi broke more rules, he'd have bruises, a black eye every once in a while…

Kanda turned onto his other side.

Rabi had said Kanda was lucky, because he had pure freedom. Not chained by any rules, not even by the Order's rules, which everyone there _but_ him was chained by. But that made Kanda wonder, as he lay on his bed, unable to sleep, what exactly was freedom? Most people…make that everyone, in the Order never thought of him as intelligent, which he knew he wasn't, but they also thought he never really _thought_ about things, which he did quite often, but just kept things to himself.

To him, freedom was being denied nothing. If that was truly what freedom was, he wasn't even close to it. Partly he denied himself of some freedom for his own good, but this once, just once, he gave himself a little freedom, let himself…he couldn't call it love…because he couldn't feel that much…

_The dreams we had together were so bright,_

Kanda didn't expect them to last long. He knew Bookman couldn't love and Kanda knew he wouldn't live very much longer, but…when Rabi would say he'd be there forever, till the day they died, however cheesy it was, Kanda would believe him. Even though he knew Rabi was a lire and a fake. But he'd let himself believe because he knew in the back of his mind that Rabi was saying all those things aloud so _he_ could believe as well.

_  
I could no longer look myself in the face directly_.

Rabi's mind wasn't on his work at all. He'd made at least thirty spelling mistakes in the past half hour. His mind kept wondering while his hand kept writing. He kept thinking back, trying to remember if Kanda really said what he thought he'd heard…

Rabi let his head fall to the desk with a rather lout thunk. He paused, then did it again.

Bookman didn't look up from his work, not that Rabi expected or wanted him to. "I'm so sorry, Yuu." He whispered into the inky pages of his record book.

Rabi was still trying to figure out how Bookman had found out about them. He knew for sure Kanda didn't tell anyone. He was so shy about it around Rabi; it was pretty cute, Rabi thought. He chuckled a little, remembering how Kanda's cheeks flushed bright pink when he would hold his hand, even though no one was around to see.

But Rabi hadn't ever said anything about it to anyone ether. And it's not as though Bookman could _smell _Kanda on him. …but it didn't matter much how it happened. Finding out how won't reverse things.

"…I almost brought him to tears…" Rabi thought as his slightly shaky hand began writing again. "I really _am_ worthless like Jiji says…" he shouldn't kick himself while he was down.

_There's only one thing I can see in my filthy mirror_

Komui was one for bad timing, but this was just absurd.

Kanda sat, arms crossed, staring intently out the window, in the seat across from Rabi's. This was already the most awkward train ride ether had ever had, and they knew it would only get wose from there. They sat in silence for three hours till the lunch trolley came by and the lady pushing it asked if they'd like anything.

Rabi got a sandwich and some chips and when she looked to Kanda he simply grunted and she pushed the cart along.

"Um…don't you want something to eat?" Rabi ventured. "The train stops at the station at dinner time but we'll have to get to the hotel before we can eat…and you haven't had anything all day." He gave a weak smile.

Kanda didn't look at him and said nothing. Rabi was lower than the trolley lady, whom Kanda didn't even know.

Now that Rabi had said the first words he felt he had to keep talking till he got something out of Kanda. "How was your last mission?"

Again, nothing.

"I heard you got beat up pretty good. Still don't remember what happened?"

Silence.

"It might have been a Noah who did that. Since the Innocence wasn't there." Rabi paused and sighed, then gave another weak smile. "I was worried about you."

Kanda's eyes moved over to him, glaring. His eyes were the only way to see his emotions ninety percent of the time. Rabi could see that Kanda' eyes were telling him to shut the hell up and that he was only making things worse.

Once they had made it to their hotel in Scotland, it was already dark. Even though they were told it would only take an hour to walk from the train station to their hotel, they had gotten lost; taking up what little day light was left as they wondered around the city. Rabi didn't want to admit it, but it was his fault.

As they were checking in, Rabi spotted a café in the hotel lobby with lots of delicious looking breads and cakes displayed on its shelves.

"Yuu, you want me to get you something to eat?" Rabi offered.

Kanda growled, not looking at him and Rabi stepped back a little. He went over to get them something for dinner anyway while Kanda checked in.

As Rabi was paying for their food, he'd gotten them both soup, he heard Kanda's angry voice calling for him from the stair case.

"Get your ass over here." He snarled.

Rabi did as he was told and nearly ran to the stairs, trying not to slosh soup all over his arms, as Kanda started going up. He was in a bad mood, even for Kanda.

They stopped at the second floor and Kanda unlocked the first door to the left and muttered something. Rabi thought he heard "fucking Order is fucking cheep." He started a laugh before he understood.

Rabi hesitated before stepping into their room, their one, single room, for the both of them, with its single bed. Rabi was pretty immune to any kind of awkwardness, but this was making even him extremely uncomfortable.

Kanda set his bag down in a corner of the room as Rabi closed the door behind him softly, with his hip as he had no free hands, then threw his bag down in the middle of the floor and kicked off his boots. He needed to act normal. He went over to the bed and sat down on the edge. "I got us soup." He said and handed Kanda a plastic spoon and a cup of warm soup.

Kanda took it with no thanks and took a few sips of it, not using his spoon but simply bringing the cup to his lips.

Rabi smiled before dipping his spoon into his soup.

That smile seemed to trigger another anger flash in Kanda. He put his soup down, not too gently, on the side table, letting some of it slosh over the rim, and went into the bath room. "I'm taking a bath." He announced from behind the closed, fogged glass doors.

Rabi looked a little taken aback but kept drinking his soup. He was rather hungry and it was some pretty good soup, though nothing on anything Jerry could make. He couldn't think of anything he did recently to make _that_ Kanda angry, but he let it go. Not so much by will, but his mind had snapped to…other things.

He could see Kanda's silhouette through the glass doors. He wasn't trying to look…well, not in the first place. But he couldn't look away now that he saw.

Rabi watched as Kanda's fuzzy silhouette undid the buttons of his shirt and slid it off his narrow shoulders, folding and placing it neatly on the counter. He leaned down after that, turning on the water.

Rabi watched his hip length hair draped over his shoulders as he did so. He longed so much for the glass to be unclouded…

_A light that's no illusion..._

Kanda stepped into the steaming bath and leaned back onto the comfortable slope of the back of the bath. The hotel they were staying at was rather nice, but still, he would have much preferred a ten dollar a night place with his own room to this, though he might as well enjoy the huge bath tub while he could.

He stretched out and tried to relax and clear his mind though he got neither to work. His muscles were still as tense as they were when he found out he would be going on this mission with Rabi. He was rather happy about the mission before he knew Rabi was going with him, as he was thinking this mission would take him _away_ from the redhead.

He glanced over at the door and saw Rabi's form slouching in the bed, holding something in both hands. Kanda guessed soup in the right and a book in the left. Rabi had always liked malty tasking. A lot of the time he'd pick up a book when they were talking and begin to read. It pissed Kanda off every time. He didn't like just talking for the sake of it, so when he said anything it was impotent! and you can't concentrate on a conversation when reading…or at least Kanda couldn't. Rabi was nearly a genius after all. …that made Kanda mad, too. How Rabi was so smart and would say things Kanda had no clue the meaning of, and how he didn't value his education as much as he should, in Kanda's opinion, though he did value it quite a bit.

Kanda hadn't been schooled past the age of ten so he couldn't read and write as well as anyone at the Order. While Rabi could read a five hundred page book in little over an hour, could read and write faster than Kanda could talk and in more languages then Kanda had heard spoken. …but he knew Rabi had paid dearly for his knowledge.

After washing his hair and body with soap, as he always did, Kanda got out of the bath, dried off with one of the senselessly fluffy towels and put on his night clothes. He hesitated before opening the door. He didn't want to go back into that room…

"Hey, Yuu." Rabi said with a smile. "Your soup got cold; you want me to heat it up for you?"

Kanda scowled at him as he banged the bathroom door shut and went over to sit on the opposite side of the bed from him. There was a long silence then.

Awkward silences hadn't seemed particularly awkward to Rabi before this one.

"…you sure you don't want your soup heated up?"

That set Kanda off again. He nearly ripped the covers out from under himself and threw himself under them. "Stop trying to pretend nothing happened, you bastard!" he yelled with his head turned away and covers jerked up to his nose from. "I'm going to sleep." He mumbled after, regretting what he said.

Rabi started. Then wished he'd drop dead right there. He didn't know what to do, so he stayed still; hoping doing nothing was the best thing. He caught a slight tremble from Kanda under the covers.

'If he's crying,' Rabi said inside his head, 'I'm going to have to shoot myself….or maybe he'd like to do that.' Rabi got off the bed where he had been reading one of his favorite plays, All's well that ends well, and went over to the far side of the room. He'd better sleep on the floor, however uncomfortable it was. He didn't mind.

"…stay on your side of the bed." Kanda's muffled voice came from the other side of the room.

Rabi gave a weak sort of smile and made his way back over to the bed. "You're too kind to me," He whispered as he slipped under the covers, making sure he was on the very edge of his side so not to get too close to Kanda…however much he wanted.

_You are my light_.

A few hours passed and neither could sleep. Rabi was shifting around in bed, trying not to fall off the edge and Kanda was simply trying to hold his pride and stop himself from right-out _begging_.

Rabi turned his head to Kanda's side, trying to see if he was asleep. He didn't seem to be, as he seemed to be shivering. "…are you cold?"

"Fuck off." Kanda snarled.

"…I'm sorry." He meant it for more than just the moment before, though he knew Kanda wouldn't understand exactly what he meant.

Kanda rolled on his back, intentionally or not, putting himself closer to Rabi. "...Yes." he whispered.

Rabi turned on his side to face him. "Yes you're cold?" he asked, not quite sure if he was accepting the apology or saying he was cold.

Kanda rolled onto his side, looking Rabi in the eye for the first time on their mission.

Rabi knew what he was asking for. He wanted Rabi to move closer because he was too shy to do so himself.

When Rabi got himself and Kanda together, first off it had been extremely hard to do and he'd had to move insanely slow to keep Kanda from backing away and rejecting his affection, and second, he'd found out Kanda is extremely shy and embarrassed very easily. His anger is a cover for that.

Rabi scooted a little closer, wrapped an arm around Kanda's thin waits and pulled him closer. "Then I better keep you warm." This wasn't going where it should…

Kanda pulled away very slightly but settled into bed with Rabi's arm still around him.

Rabi hesitated. He shouldn't be doing this, tempting them both with what they had… "…But I'm only keeping you warm." Rabi added softly. It hurt him to say it, but hurt more as he saw Kanda's face. Kanda didn't like to let all he felt out. Before, Rabi had tried to get him to let everything out, but now he wished Kanda would hide every little thing. He was looking right at Rabi again with those beautiful dark blue eyes, then he let them close and shifted away from Rabi a little more.

"Yeah." He whispered, as though to confirm it with himself too.

_Taking off my twisted armor, I'm a snail who's started on a journey_

Rabi felt Kanda start to shiver again and frowned. "Yuu, if you push yourself away so far I can't keep you warm."

Kanda only rolled on his other side.

Now Rabi could see that the shivering was more of a sort of helpless shaking, like a small child cornered by its greatest fear. "Yuu…" Rabi sat up slightly, propped up on his elbows.

Kanda rolled off the bed and walked over to the corner where Rabi had before been planning to sleep. "The beds yours." He said before sinking down to the floor, back to Rabi and curled up to sleep.

Rabi nearly jumped up out of bed. He'd really screwed up now, if Kanda didn't even have the heart to order _him _off the bed. "What's wrong? This isn't like you at all!" Rabi knelt down beside Kanda who only tucked his knees in closer to him.

Rabi pulled Kanda out of his ball, which was harder to do then he thought. Kanda started struggling, threatening things Rabi knew would never happen and trying to kick and punch.

"What's the matter with you?! " Rabi shouted, more in fear for Kanda's fragile mental health then in anger. He grabbed both Kanda's wrists in one hand, turned him so they were face to face and pushed Kanda agents the wall to keep him from flailing so violently.

"Stop it!" Kanda yelled, trying to kick his legs even though they were folded under him. "Let go of me, you bastard!" he growled.

Rabi grabbed Kanda's face in his free hand and held him still, getting a good look into the only outlet for his emotions.

Kanda was trying to pull off a glare but his flushed cheeks and watery eyes made him look more pleading. Realizing how ridiculous he must look by the expression on Rabi face, Kanda turned his head away as best he could with Rabi's hand still holding.

"Yuu…" Rabi said in a whisper. "Don't do this." He begged, letting go of Kanda.

Something visibly snapped in Kanda as he turned his head back around to face Rabi. "What do you mean 'don't do this'?! You're the one who got us into this!" He yelled, taking a swing at Rabi but missing as the other ducked.

Rabi grabbed Kanda's hands again. He simply held them, letting Kanda hit him with both their hands. It hurt, a lot, but Kanda needed to calm down. Rabi had never thought of a good way to do that other than just letting the other take his anger out on something.

_Getting struck by the rain wears me out,_

After a good ten minutes of beating Rabi, Kanda stopped, abruptly. He slumped into the wall and was quiet.

Rabi had the taste of iron in his mouth but ignored it, that was the least of his worries. "Yuu, are you alright?" he whispered, hoping Kanda was calm enough now.

Kanda made a strange, breathless, strangled sounded grunt.

Rabi let go of Kanda's rough hands and draped his arms around the smaller boy's shoulders. He wouldn't call it a hug, since he was simply _draping_ his arms on the other, but he felt it was right to do, even though in the back of his mind he knew bookman would give him a beating tenfold of Kanda.

Kanda made a sort of hiccupping sound. "Don't touch me." He ordered, though it didn't come out threatening in the least.

Rabi pulled Kanda closer. Both their hearts were pounding, both in fear. This wasn't right, it felt right…in a way, but it wasn't right for ether of them. Rabi just shouldn't have done any of this to begin with and Kanda cursed himself mentally for acting like such a…girl.

_But I'm not turning back._

Rabi pulled away and wished he hadn't. The moment he made to move, he felt the gentle touch of Kanda cool finger tips on his back, but it was too late to stay as Kanda jerked his hands away.

Rabi placed a hand under Kanda's chin and lifted his head, letting the dim silver light from the moon fall on his face.

Kanda jerked back, or tried to, Rabi's grip on his face was secure now,all Kanda could do was look down at the floor. This was just pitiful.

Rabi gave a weak smile and brushed away a tear from Kanda's pale cheeks with this thumb. "Don't cry, Yuu." He said as he brushed away another tear.

Kanda scoffed, though it got caught in his throat and sounded half like a sob. "Like I'd be _crying._"

Rabi chuckled softly, simply running his fingers over Kanda's soft cheeks now as there were no more tears to make disappear. "Right, I forgot, Yuu-chan doesn't cry."

"Yeah," Kanda said, his voice a little steadier now, "you are the one that cries."

This was bad, really bad. …in a good way. "Yeah…it should be that way." It really should. In just a few days, he'd managed to forget, if only a little, how amazing Kanda could be, how sweet, if that word and the Japanese's name could be used in the same sentence, he was if Rabi treated him just right.

Rabi put his arms around Kanda's shoulders again; though this time he didn't try and tell himself he was merely resting his arms there. "I'm not letting go this time." He whispered.

_Once again, I've been spit out from a town-colored mirage_

"Rabi, would you come here?" Bookman asked as Rabi opened the door to their room. He'd only gotten back from his weeklong mission a few minutes ago and the panda already had work for him. He sighed.

"Yeah?" he tried to sound enthusiastic. He plopped down in the desk chair, getting ready to do some logs, and looked up at Bookman for his orders.

"What happened?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest.

Rabi looked confusedly at him. "What do you mean, Jiji?"

"You're mission with the boy."

Oh, well this wasn't good. He faked a sigh as best he could. He'd have to act his best if he would fool Bookman, the man who'd known him for as long as he could remember, which was before the time he turned one year old. "Nothing really, Yuu was angry as normal and we retrieved the Innocence. Then came back." He said matter-of-factly.

Bookman looked right at him, trying to see the gaps in his nearly flawless acting mask. "Don't lie to me."

_I'd like to just laugh it off and make the excuse_

"I'm not lying, Jiji!" Rabi said exasperatedly. Maybe he was over doing it…or not doing it well enough?

Bookman raised an eyebrow at him like a mother does with a particular troublesome child.

Rabi tried to keep the straight face but then found he couldn't under his master's disappointed eyes.

Rabi turned his head away, a slight blush spreading across his cheeks. "…I'm sorry." He whispered ashamedly.

"You remember what I told you would have to happen if you couldn't keep away." he said and turned away to grab an old worn book from a pile in a corner. "Three weeks."

T_hat it's all because my toes are too big, and they got in the way_

"…Ok." He whispered. Bookman always had a way of making him feel like he'd done something horrid and inhuman every time he did something not to the old man's liking. Over the seventeen years of his life it had messed with his brain a bit. He'd come to think, before he met Kanda of course, that loving someone was one of the worst things in the world you could do, worse then stealing or even killing. He'd been scolded for having friends, for taking liking to people, for having emotions, scolded for almost everything that made him human. He'd been forced into multiple personality disorder and taught he was higher than everyone else in the world while at the same time taught he was to record everyone as equals. He felt he let his master down by simply being human.

_No matter what kind of shoes I wear, if I walk, I leave footprints _

Without being told to, Rabi started on his logs again. "It's not like I can help I mess up." He formed the words on his lips but gave them no sound. "Humans aren't perfect."

_And until one day they stop, they're the proof that I'll finish_...

Bookman left their room, most likely to go to the library. He gave Rabi a look that told him to stay and keep working…but why should he? Bookman was already as mad as he could be, staying wouldn't make him less angry. And besides, Rabi only had three more weeks…

He put down his pen and checked the room, not really knowing why as he had seen with his own eye that Bookman had left. He got up, being careful not to drag the chair on the stone floor as he pushed it out, even though Bookman should be far enough away not to hear it. He cracked open the door and peered out, looking both ways before deciding it was safe. He opened the door wide and walked out, leaving it open. He didn't know why, but he _wanted_ Bookman to know he'd disobeyed the second he turned the corner of the hall to their room. He knew he was just asking for a beating but he couldn't care less at the moment.

_...One life_

Kanda unsheathed his sword and held it in front of him. The weight of it, though he was quite strong, forced his wrist to droop down slightly. He watched the light shimmering on it as his hand quivered only a slight amount before he sighed and dropped his arm to his side. Then a sudden wave of rage came over him. He took a swing at a thin tree to his left and cut the top clean off. It made him feel a little better. He swung Mugen downwards, slicing the decapitated trunk in half down the middle. He smirked as he pulled Mugen's tip off the ground from slicing the tree. Then he got angry again. How could he be so distracted that he couldn't even train himself? Distracted enough to be entertained by a tree?

He growled and forced his blade back in its cover by his hip, jerking the waistband of the left side of his pants down over his hip bone. "I am not a fucking lumberjack!" he yelled and kicked what remained of the poor tree.

"Whoooooa, someone's angry today."

Kanda whorled around only to sigh with annoyance, "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see you." the redhead smiled. He walked closer to Kanda which he knew wasn't a smart move seeing how much of a bad mood the other was in, but he was feeling risky today. He stopped and blinked. "Wooooooow."

Kanda glared at him. "What?" he really wasn't in a mood to be messed with.

Rabi's eye went to Kanda's face again and he smiled. "I never knew you showed so much skin when you were training. I'll have to come out here and watch you more often."

Kanda growled, though a light powdering of pink was creeping onto his cheeks. He grabbed his shirt off a tree and tugged it on, though neglecting to pull his pants back up over his hips again, so Rabi still had a pretty good view of his slender hips.

"Noooo," Rabi whined. "I liked the shirt better off." He pouted. He smirked and added "well, I'm glad you didn't button it at least."

Kanda looked away. "Whatever"

"Oh come on, don't try and hide it." Rabi said in a teasing tone.

Kanda looked back over at him with a questioning look in his dark blue eyes.

"You're flirting with me. You don't need to hide it." Rabi said, seating himself on a low tree branch.

Kanda's face flushed darker. Rabi hit the nail on the head. "What makes you think that?! I'm not, idiot."

"You don't have to say it if you don't want to."

Kanda growled, but said nothing.

Rabi got off his tree branch and went over to Kanda. He grabbed a hold of Kanda's hands at his sides. "I guess I'm being kinda cruel." He gave Kanda a soft smile. "I know you've had it rough, even if you won't ever tell me all that happened. And…" Rabi glanced down then back up to Kanda. "I know you don't have that long, neither do I," he said the last part In a whisper, half hoping Kanda wouldn't hear, though by the look of slight confusing he gave Rabi knew he heard. "So will you except my apology for what I did? 'Cause, I want you back pretty bad, I hope you feel the same, even if you won't say it."

Kanda always felt extremely awkward when Rabi would say things like this. He felt like he was going to explode and burn up and melt into nothing all at the same time.

"…what do you mean 'neither do I'?" Kanda didn't' want to say he excepedt, he knew Rabi would catch on so long as he didn't say no.

"Answer my question first!" Rabi sang happily, though Kanda saw right through him and knew something bad was coming.

"Fine. Just don't do it again." Kanda said very quickly and very quietly.

Rabi's face lit up. He leaned in near Kanda's ear and whispered "Thank you."

Kanda felt his cheeks growing warm as Rabi's hot breath hit his ear and neck. He shivered. Then all of a sudden Kanda felt his feet lose contact with the ground.

Rabi picked him up by the waste, spun them around once, and then very quickly moved a hand under his knees and the other supporting his back.

Kanda made a kind of sound like having the wind knocked out of him and stiffened more than Rabi thought possible. It was like he was holding a Kanda shaped block of wood. His right foot made a kind of twitching movement.

"What's wrong, Yuu?" Rabi asked a little concerned. Then quickly checked to make sure his hand wasn't on Kanda's ass, this was exactly what he acted like that one time Rabi had been brave enough to put a hand there. …even with the beating Kanda gave him for it, it had been well worth it.

"Put me down! Don't hold me like a woman!" Kanda yelled and kicked his legs around, trying to get Rabi to drop him.

Rabi dropped Kanda's legs and lowered him gently to the ground, though keeping his arms locked around Kanda's waste so he couldn't get away. He pouted. "Well then can I just hold you?" he didn't wait for an answer and pulled Kanda into him, resting his chin on Kanda's narrow shoulder.

Kanda started, then leaned into the embrace. "whatever." He muttered.

_There's only one thing I can see in my filthy mirror  
A light that's no illusion... _

"Yuu,"

"Hm?" Kanda hummed in the back of his throat. He sounded almost sleepy.

_You are my light._

Rabi leaned in so close his lips were almost on Kanda's ear "I love you."

Kanda tensed a little. Rabi had said it before, but not in a long time. And those words always made him a little uneasy. "…why do you even bother?"

_Some day, all those memories we can't touch,_

Rabi pulled his head back to look Kanda in the eye. "What do you mean?" he said as he gently put his forehead agents Kanda's. He was hoping for a kiss, as in their whole time together Kanda had never been the one to start a kiss.

"You know this won't last long." Kanda whispered, shyly glancing away from Rabi's gaze.

Rabi gave a soft smile. "You're soooo cute." He sang, though not teasingly.

Kanda looked back to him, all shyness gone in a second. "What gave you that idea?!"

Rabi only chuckled. He quickly angled his head to the right and pressed a kiss to Kanda's soft lips.

When he pulled away Kanda's cheeks were flushed pink again and he looked a bit stunned. "What…" he trailed off. They'd been together for about eight months but hardly ever shared kisses together.

"I know we won't last that long. I'm leaving in three weeks. But it shouldn't stop us from enjoying the time we got, right?"

Rabi's heart lurched. There was that expression again. The same one he'd seen only a week ago, though this time the expression stayed on Kanda's face for longer than a split second.

"What? ...no." Kanda was embarrassed from the pleasing sound of his own voice

Rabi tried to fix his face in a smile but he didn't quite work and ended up a pained smile. "I can't really do anything about it. But like you said, it wouldn't last anyway. You said you only have about two more years' right?"

Kanda nodded, his hands tightened on the thick fabric of Rabi's uniform coat.

"I know it's selfish, but I don't think I could take it to be there when you died." He hesitated slightly before the last word. "So maybe it's better this way?" he wanted Kanda to agree with him, so that he would feel like he wasn't abandoning him…even though he knew he was.

"You're a bastard." Kanda gave him a good wak between his shoulders.

"I really am." Rabi laughed, a sort of forced and cold laugh. "See, you would be better without me."

Kanda didn't say anything for a moment, as he was thinking. "I'm not gonna be here on the 15th." In three weeks it would be November 15th, when Rabi was leaving for good and the day before Kanda gets back.

Rabi sighed. "That might be a good thing."

"I have a mission tomorrow. The train leaves at one." he half whispered, slightly muffled by Rabi's scarf which he had buried his face into.

"Well then, do you mind if I stay and watch you practice?" Rabi said with a smile, running his fingers through Kanda's silky hair.

Kanda pulled his face away from the warmth of Rabi's scarf and looked up at him. It had always annoyed him a little how Rabi was taller than him even though he was older…though inside he knew he liked it that way. "Fine." He took a step back, so did Rabi, and pulled out his sword again.

"I'll get the blindfold for you." Rabi chimed as he ran over to the tree branch where Kanda had put his shirt along with the black strip of cloth. Rabi trotted back and pulled the fabric across Kanda's eyes. He knotted it, only realizing he'd tied it crooked. He reached a hand around to the front and carefully tugged one of the sides down further. As he did so, he felt something slightly warm and wet on Kanda's cheeks. He paused then pulled Kanda backwards into him, wrapping his hands around his chest tightly. He wasn't going to say anything, he knew it would only make Kanda ashamed.

_We'll lose them_

Rabi changes the hand he's holding his heavy bag with. This was it; the huge oak doors were in front of him. He took a look back, at all the people he'd never see again. Nearly half the Order was there seeing him off. He'd managed to make quite a lot of friends.

He gave them all a smile, though an empty one, then turned back to the door and pulled the handle. The door swung open with ease, as it always had. Rabi chuckled a little as he remembered the first time he'd swung these doors open. He'd thought they'd weight a ton so he pulled with all his might and hit himself in the face with the doors. And when he poked his face in, dripping blood from his nose into his hand cupped under it, he saw Linali and Kanda, Linali looking at him with concern, though giggling a little and Kanda with disbelief. "Oh…maybe that's why you called me 'Idiot'." Rabi whispered to himself as the doors closed behind him.

He sighed as he took his first step through the snow and off to the train station. The day he'd first come to the order it had been snowing too. He'd always had good memories with snow…but maybe that would end now. He knew he needed to just let this go but…he didn't think he could never forget everyone, even if he wanted. "I bet you'll forget, Yuu." He whispered. He didn't care if Bookman heard him, though he didn't think he did as the old man was walking quite a ways ahead of him. Kanda had a terrible memory, and if he lived to be thirty, which Rabi prayed he did, he bet Kanda wouldn't remember him. …but maybe its better that way.

_But even if you leave no shape behind..._

Kanda shut the door to his room quietly. He'd gotten back a whole day early but he made sure as few people knew as he could. He wasn't going to see Rabi off, he knew better than that. He didn't want everyone seeing him shame himself like he knew he would…and he knew he'd want a last kiss and would most likely let himself have it. He blushed at the thought.

He shook his head clear. He didn't need to be thinking about this. He went over to his broken window and sat on the little ledge below it. He reached over under his pillow and pulled out a tattered piece of brightly patterned cloth. It had soot stains, water stains, blood stains, so many stains it was hard to make out the pattern of blue and purple flowers on it. He unfolded it then refolded it, then crumpled it in his hand as it tightened over it. Then he quickly put it back under his pillow. "She forgot…but maybe you won't." he whispered so quietly that if he hadn't been thinking the words himself he wouldn't have been able to hear them. His dark blue eyes fallowed Rabi as he trudged through the thick snow. "Don't turn around. I don't need you to look back for me, because I'm not here." He didn't know why he was keeping his voice low, or why he was talking to himself.

Rabi stopped, as did Kanda's heart. The redhead turned around and looked up, right to Kanda's window. He blinked, not expecting to see the other there, then smiled.

_you are my light._

Kanda felt his eyes trying to tear up but blinked the tears back. He wasn't going to cry, not again. That would be just ridiculous. He felt his hand involuntarily press its self on the cold glass of his second story window.

Rabi's slime grew, though as it did it seemed to sadden. He put down his bag and held up both hands, curling his fingers, making a heart with them and held it high so Kanda could see.

Kanda put a hand to his quivering lips. Why was he so…so…Kanda didn't even know a word for it. Then he mouthed the words "don't forget." Kanda shook his head, trying to get those damn unwanted tears out of his eyes. "I wont, I wont." He said even though he knew Rabi couldn't hear.

The redhead picked up his bag and gave Kanda one last smile before turning and beginning to walk again. "Thank god," he whispered. Tears of his own rolled down his cheeks, freezing his skin in the cold wind. He forced a smile and ran to catch up with his master, the man he tried to love as a father but the man that, at the moment, he wished would drop over dead so he could go back. But at least he had the sweet memories forever.

(so, how did you like it? ^_^ i'd love to hear! ...i'm begging for comments __;; please? =D )


End file.
